I have had many ‘psychotic episodes’ in my life but the intensity of my most recent experience completely took me by surprise. I should have known it was coming, the warning signs were there – paranormal sensations, delusions, obsession, suspicion, paranoia – but I ignored them. Actually no, it’s not fair to say I ignored them, I just didn’t recognise them for what they were this time and that scares me.
It always starts with the paranormal, a fleeting shadow out of the corner of my eye, a feeling of “Not being alone”, the tense nervousness of feeling watched, constantly observed by something that is not of this world.
Usually, the minute I start “Feeling” the dead I know it’s time to sit down & think on what’s going on my life. It’s time to slow down, take some pressure off and rest. The minute I start ‘Seeing the dead” and feeling the presence of “A Demon” it’s too late. I fall into a panicked, terrified mess – afraid to be alone, afraid to leave the house and yet so afraid to stay in it. I get so terrified of the dark I freeze, paralysed by what I can’t see, by what I can feel, hear and sense is lurking in the dark, waiting to consume me.
I always hear voices, several voices actually – some negative, some encouraging and positive but sometimes I hear only one voice – a voice that tells me “The Truth” and tells me what to do. It usually tells me about demons and angels but occasionally it tells me about the people around me, the people I love more than anything in this world.
It tells me I am being lied to, it tells me they are deceiving me. It tells me I need to plan how to expose them for the liars and cheaters that they are. It tells me how to plan, plot, and scheme and it shows me “The Future” in visions and my dreams. It becomes all consuming, an obsession, a powerful driver of actions – some might call it a “Paranoid Delusion”, a “Command Hallucination” but to me, it’s real, so very, very real.
I’ve set up camera’s, bought voice recorders, ghost boxes and EMF meters. I’ve searched the internet, bought books and even an Ouija board in attempts to prove my voice’s theories on the afterlife in the past. I’ve also searched computer files, jacket pockets and mobile phones desperately seeking that one thing, that one shred of evidence that will prove or disprove my voice’s suggestions about the people I love.
The voice instructs me and the voice drives me during these times. The constant suspicion, paranoia and insecurities about the people I love wears me down to the point where I cannot function. It causes endless arguments, resentment and hurt to those around me. I keep my voice a secret when I’m like this and it only becomes apparent I am “Sick” when I can’t take it anymore, disobey my voice and accuse those I love of the things I ‘Know’ they are doing.
This time the voice told me the house was haunted, which is nothing new. However, it also told me my partner, the man I love more than anything in this world, the man who adores me, supports me and loves me was “Having an affair”. This caught me off guard and I began to view my partner with suspicion and mistrust. I also began seeing and hearing ‘The Dead’ again and sensing the presence of a powerful “Demon”, a demon that was going to possess my partner and kill me. It got so bad I bought a plane ticket and planned to leave the country. Lucky for me I broke down before I left and told my partner the truth. It is also incredibly lucky for me he understands.
This is my most recent experience and possibly my worst. I have had a dozen similar experiences in the past but they are usually exclusively paranormal related and very rarely involve my family or my loved ones. You are probably thinking I have “Schizophrenia” – but I don’t. I have Temporal Lobe epilepsy and occasionally when life’s pressures become too much, I descend into ‘Temporal Lobe Epileptic Psychosis’. It’s very rare and it’s something not a lot of people are aware exists, yet alone understands.
The temporal lobe area of the brain is often called “The God Spot” because visual and audio hallucinations originating from this area often involve religion, paranormal experiences and ‘communication’ with the after life. Professors and scholars have even theorised that Joan of Ark and Saint Paul had Temporal Lobe Epilepsy and their visions & voices from God were really Simple Partial seizures – but only God knows that.
I very rarely get paranoid and suspicious of those around me but I often get visions of “The Dead” and sometimes they scare me and sometimes they don’t. My visions and experiences with “The Dead” have even been verified by others and by things I couldn’t have possibly known. People have told me I am a ‘Psychic Medium’ but I am conflicted and scared to go down that road, scared of what I might ‘Let into’ my life. After all, I know what it’s like when I get ‘Sensitive’ to demons and “The Dead”. Personally, I do not know what to believe.
I have researched Temporal Lobe Epilepsy and there is not a lot of information about this strange ‘condition’ out there. I’ve had simple partial seizures, complex seizures and absence seizures and I have several EEG’s and MRI’s that ‘prove’ I am ‘NRH’ – a secret nursing term for ‘Not Right in the Head’…!
My neurologist has also tried to explain my experiences and why I have these “Diverse collection of symptoms” in medical terms but I’m not fully convinced. I feel there is a lot of things in this world we do not understand and might not ever be able to fully explain without at least a hint of reasonable doubt.
I would love to hear from others who have similar experiences with Temporal Lobe epilepsy and I think I will continue to trawl the internet, read what little information is out there including the very small number of books published about Temporal Lobe Epilepsy. I hope to publish my own some day.
You are welcome to leave comments, suggestions and opinions as long as they are sincere. This is my experience of Temporal Lobe epilepsy and this is my life. Be respectful.
Thank you for reading this and thank you for your time!
(Author: Rachel Rappell)
*Image: Michelangelo’s Creation of Adam, Sistine Chapel, the Vatican, Rome, 1508-1512